Favorite Quotes From the Latest Netflix Original Comedy, Santa Clarita Diet

Santa Clarita Diet, the new Netflix Original Comedy premiered this weekend, releasing season one (ten episodes) in its entirety for binge viewers everywhere. After watching the series, I couldn’t help but jot down some of my favorite quotes to share – I’d much rather do that then get into spoilers for the show. I was “spoiled” on the big reveal of the show about a week ago when I saw a headline that didn’t hold back at all. It’s unfortunate that some media outlets do that. But you won’t be getting any details from me here other than the official synopsis below and some spoiler free quotes! And if you’ve seen the show, be sure to share your favorite quotes too!


Joel (Timothy Olyphant) and Sheila (Drew Barrymore) are husband and wife realtors leading vaguely discontented lives in the L.A. suburb of Santa Clarita with their teenaged daughter Abby, until Sheila goes through a dramatic change sending their lives down a road of death and destruction…but in a good way.

Santa Clarita Diet stars Drew Barrymore as Sheila Hammond, Timothy Olyphant as Joel Hammond, Liv Hewson as Abby Hammond and Skyler Gisondo as Eric Bemis.

Showrunner Victor Fresco, Drew Barrymore, Timothy Olyphant, Aaron Kaplan, Tracy Katsky, Chris Miller and Ember Truesdell are executive producers on the series. Nancy Juvonen is a producer. Santa Clarita Diet is a Netflix production.

Favorite Quotes From Santa Clarita Diet Season One

Episode 1.01 “So Then A Bat or a Monkey”
“Why do we gotta live between two cops? Why couldn’t it be two rival pastry chefs?” – Joel

Episode 1.04 The Farting Sex Tutorial
“Seriously, what’s going on with you?” – Lisa
“It’s probably my new diet. I’ve been eating a lot of protein.” – Sheila
“Really?” – Lisa
“How many grams?” – Alondra
“All of them.” – Sheila

“Hey, babe. I changed his diaper, put on his socks. Great Dad Alert.” – Rick
“C’mon, you. Let’s go listen to some John Legend and take your socks off… ’cause it’s 100 degrees.” – Alonda

Episode 1.05 “Man Eat Man
“Are you baking cookies?” – Abby
“No, it’s vanilla extract and essentials oils, baked in the oven at 350. It’s an old realtor trick. Makes the house smell like home.” – Sheila
“Why not just bake cookies?” – Abby
“Because they’re messy. And I happen to believe Americans get enough sugar in their diet.” – Sheila
“But this is a lie.” – Abby
“It’s not a lie, it’s a trick.” – Sheila
“What’s the difference?” – Abby
“One is a sin and one pays for your Spotify. What’s your problem?” – Sheila
“I wanted an honest cookie, Mom. And you’re giving me a nose full of hypocrisy.” – Abby

“Hey, sorry if I embarrassed you by, like, thinking you actually wanted to kiss me.” – Abby
“Oh, me, embarrassed? Please. You’re looking at the guy who peed in his Cowardly Lion costume in the third grade play. Luckily, it fit the character so it looked like a strong acting choice.” – Eric

Episode 1.06 “Attention to Detail”
“I’m not doing cocaine, Abby. I just have a feeling I would be unbearable.” – Eric

“You’re gonna keep doing what I tell you to because if you don’t, I’m not only going to put you away, I’m gonna put your wife away too.” – Dan
“She has nothing to do with this.” – Joel
“Really? I saw her with you the night you sprayed your lawn where you (REDACTED). I can build off of that. Or I’ll just plant some evidence. I’m an LA Sheriff’s Deputy, it’s literally what we do.” – Dan

Episode 1.07 “Strange Or Just Inconsiderate?”
“You eat meat. Even after we saw that slaughterhouse documentary.” – Sheila
“I cut out veil and limited bacon to the weekends. That’s all I can do.” – Joel

“We went to a luau. Cooked a pig right in the dirt. Dan took the snout, put it on his nose and said a bunch of racist stuff. It was not cool. But, you know, we let it slide because it was a vacation, so…” –  Anne

“Thank you.” – Sheila
“‘My pleasure’ wouldn’t quite apply here but… you’re welcome.” – Joel

Episode 1.08 “How Much Vomit?”
“Those are both true statements but I don’t like the way you’re connecting them.” – Eric

“I can’t believe you did all this.” – Sheila
“It wasn’t easy, I puked twice.” – Joel

Episode 1.09 “The Book!”
“I might not want to go to college.” – Abby
“What?” – Sheila
“Who cares what you want!” – Joel

Episode 1.10 “Baka, Bile and Baseball Bats
“Oops.” – Abby
“I’m beginning to think I’ll never unfreeze my eggs.” – Dr. Wolf

“Has she ever hurt you before in the act of passion?” – Dr. Wolf
“No. We’re not into that. We’re licensed real estate brokers.” – Joel

“Oh wait, Abby. Could you get me a roast beef… on nothing, ’cause I respect you and don’t want anything.” – Eric

Santa Clarita Diet Season 1 is available to stream on Netflix now.